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Basic Rules For Cats Who Have
A House To Run
1. Chairs and rugs: If you have to throw up, get into a
chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an
oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good.
2. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get
a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your
forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use
it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand
halfway in and halfway out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain,
snow, and the mosquito season.
3. Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the
most. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish 'N Glop on your
breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select a
fabric color that contrasts well with your fur. For example,
white furred cats go to black wool clothing.
For a guest who claims "I Love Kitties", be ready with aloof
disdain, apply claws to stockings, use a quick nip on the
ankle.
When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to
look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey,
"but you allow me on the table when company is not here".
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary
to do anything, just sit and stare.
4. Work: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and
another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
helping, otherwise known as hampering. The rules for
hampering: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a
better chance of being stepped on, then picked up and
consoled.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the
eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For knitting projects, curl quietly into the lap of the
knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap
the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches
or spill the yarn, and sometimes both! The knitter may try to
distract you with a scrap ball of yarn, ignore it. Remember,
the aim is to hamper work.
5. Play: It is important to get enough sleep in the
daytime so that you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king
of the hill on your human's bed between 2:00 and 4:00 A.M.
Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth
running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They
can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
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